Credit Where Credit Might Not Be Due

September 17, 2017

By Lady Words Contributing Writer

“How does Chris do in school?” It’s an awkward question for casual conversation but I don’t know this person that well so… I grimace and answer the question. I don’t know why I don’t just say “Good, thanks.” Instead, I over-share, as a general rule.

“Academically, he does very well.” I lean on this phrase heavily during these conversations. I’m aware of the grating undertone, but I need it.

“He is above grade level in almost all areas.” I feel entitled to share this even though I know deep down it triggers in my listener a desire to turn away. No one enjoys hearing other parents brag about their kids. I know this. I remember reading a line somewhere that said essentially, “Only brag about your kid to your own parents, no one else wants to hear it.” Alas, as always, it’s a clear indicator of compensating.

Then I am compelled by a masochistic impulse to share this, “Behaviorally, he struggles. A lot.”

My listener is surprised and asks for clarification, “Like, what do you mean?”

“Like, he is extremely rude to his teachers. He often refuses to do work if he finds it boring. Teachers find him disrespectful and impulsive.” Is that clearer?

She’s all astonishment, she knows him from extra-curricular activities, where he thrives. Eyebrows up, head back, horror on her face, “He is RUDE?!”

“Yep.” I regret my honesty, so much.

“But how could he be like that with you and your husband as his parents?” Smack. Perhaps she was trying to deliver a compliment to us for our apparent chill dispositions. But it hurt.

Within that exclamation is the implication that we make our children what they are. If you have a compliant and well-groomed child then you are winning at life. If my child wears mismatched socks, refuses to brush his hair and lashes out when he feels cornered, then I made him that way. I allowed that or created that.

I suppose I knew that adults who encounter him in bad form attributed his behavior and attitude to my bad parenting. I guess I’d just never had it confirmed.

To hear his behavior referred to as being “like that” also hurt. It dehumanized my child when I’ve climbed mental mountains to come to understand his behavior in the context of temperament and brain differences. He isn’t a jerk, he is a child with a brain developing asynchronously. He is taking in more stimulus than the neuro-typical 10-year-old next to him who is quietly working through the math worksheet. He is surrounded by what feels like a hurricane of noises and movements that can trigger his fight-or-flight response at any moment.

But you can’t throw medical diagnoses and quotes from articles and books out in casual dinner party conversation without killing everyone’s buzz. So I just smiled and mumbled something about ADHD and hoping he’ll grow-up someday.

So I’m giving everyone a heads-up here instead. Here’s the news, my friends; you can have the most badass plans to be the best, most fucking awesome parent out there and it might not really matter. You may have set out to be a hard-core disciplinarian or maybe you are the zen master of Attachment Parenting and Positive Discipline. But, your kid may have plans of his own, a temperament you did not design and one you cannot mould to your liking no matter how hard you try. And chances are, the harder you push that kid into the shape of your ideal child, the more damage you are doing. At least, that’s been my experience.

Sometimes your kid has ADHD, or Generalized Depression and Anxiety, or a Sensory Integration Disorder, or Autism Spectrum Disorder, or 500 other things going on that people can’t see from the outside. And as a result, he may not behave so well in moments of stress (moments that are stressful to him). And maybe he doesn’t have any diagnosable brain difference. Maybe your kid is just Who He Is. Maybe he isn’t YOU. Maybe he isn’t who the neighbor wants him to be or who the teacher or the pediatrician wants him to be. Shouldn’t we be ok with this?

If you are walking amongst your child’s peer group at school or at a ballpark or you are observing your work friends with their out-of-control child and you find yourself silently musing (as we are all guilty of at times), “those parents suck and that’s why that kid is like that” I suggest you check yourself. Some day you may find your own child doing something unexpected and you will find yourself wailing inside your head “this is not because of me!” Sometimes 100 “Time Ins” and “Time Outs” and “I notice” conversations and “Go to your room” consequences do jack-shit for a child. Some kids need one of those methods once and they’re good, set for life; lucky you.

Not all kids are made the same, just like no two adults are the same. Why would we expect to parent all kids the same and get consistent results? Perhaps the answer is in part because the internet is full of assholes (myself included) who tell you with virile confidence What’s What. And maybe it is, in part, because we exist under the crushing observation and passive aggressive commentary of the grandparents who know everything ‘cause they already raised kids; see how perfect we made you, Dear?’ But whatever the cause of our silly monochrome expectations, let’s throw those out sooner than later.

Let’s agree on something, there is no Parenting Perfectly Accord. Let’s not try to make one, let’s not buy into one. Let’s just all continue to work on what’s working with these willful individuals who continue to grow up without our consent. Let’s quietly support each other as we all hope for the best 10 years down the road.

And for goodness sake, stop giving undue credit (for better or worse) to parents for their top kid/bottom kid/sideways kid on the scale of Good Kid.

*For more information on people with Brain Differences: “The Power of Different: The Link Between Disorder and Genius” by Gail Saltz, MD