By Lady Words Contributor
I’m writing to inform you that your property has been deemed haunted by the Agency for City Planning and Obstruction. Some administrators may refer to it as bedeviled. Depending on your belief system, you may find demons, ghosts, spirits, open portals, or bad vibes on the land. The prognosis is not good, as a thorough historical analysis has been conducted and the years and decades of otherworldly misery inhabiting that land seem intractable.
We can offer you recommendations for two different shamans who source their sage from the uptown Whole Foods. If their spotless white linen spirit-cleansing wear is any indication, they are good at getting spots out, if not bad juju.
Please consider evacuating the land and abandoning your useless efforts to renovate and rebuild a liveable space. All who have lived there or attempted to remodel have sunken to depths of despair deeper than a multi-level basement plan. We must also warn you, we are aware of at least one inhabitant dying on the property, either at the hands of a malevolent spirit or possibly age-related heart disease.
We urge you to roll up your permit requests, your blueprints and all of your hopes and dreams, for even if our findings are incorrect and your property is not haunted, there is most definitely an accursed fog of inaction and obstinance blanketing the city planner’s office and once that happens, all is lost for your remodeling plans. No truckload of sage can help us then.
Lady Words 